Like a Good Neighbor

My ideal celebrity neighbor would probably be someone like Jackie Chan. Someone who’s innately nice, does a lot of cool stuff, and helps out everyone he can. If Jackie Chan, for some reason, left his luxurious life making martial arts movies in Hollywood and came to live in quiet suburban Illinois, it would be a pleasant surprise. He’d probably be my first choice for an ideal neighbor.

First of all, what do I define as my ideal neighbor? I think I’d like someone that’s somewhat quiet, but can still socialize with me. I don’t talk to any of my neighbors, because my family and I are pretty introverted. There’s this one Armenian family, but I’ve never seen them come out of their house, and I haven’t talked to the Indian family next door in 5 years. I think talking with him would be super fun, especially learning about his life and the details of what he does. I’ve never actually met him, but I’ve seen a lot of his movies and know that he’s a really interesting person. He’ll recount his experiences while acting in Rush Hour while I’m watering the garden, or he’ll warble as I play with my dog in my backyard. Maybe I could even learn a few martial arts moves- imagine that! Private kung fu tutoring from Jackie Chan himself!

And that’s not even the best part! This may be pure fantasy, but what if Jackie Chan was such a chill dude that we watched his entire film career together with my family, and he gave exclusive director’s comments and personal stories? I’d appreciate his movies in an entirely new way as he’d narrate the films with his behind-the-scenes action. We’d set flicks and chill for weeks on end, and our laughter would never cease as Jackie Chan would recount his experiences with Chris Tucker, while grabbing popcorn out of the air with chopsticks.

However, it wouldn’t be perfect; Jackie Chan would probably be gone for most of the time anyway, since he’s super busy doing interesting things like acting in movies or doing cool martial arts sequences. There might also be a couple paparazzi that would come to flood his home, but I think he’d keep his address a secret. I guess the only downside would be the lack of neighborly presence, although it wouldn’t be much different from my neighbor dynamics right now.

And even if he moved next to me, he’d probably have the entirety of Champaign County to entertain, and that’s not counting the million ears of corn. There’d be Jackie Chan fanatics hitting up his house everyday and countless others bombarding him on the street, asking for autographs. Why would he choose me to befriend? I think that Jackie Chan would eventually get tired of the noise and probably go rent a private island somewhere to relax. It’d be disappointing to have him so close and yet so far, but I guess the fact that Jackie Chan lived right next to be would be thrilling.

Disregarding all of those possibilities, there’s still that one question: why would we be good friends? I’d have nothing to offer to Jackie Chan- no amazing talents, riveting stories, or any cinematography to my name- why would he care about someone like me? The only thing he’d pay attention to is my dog, and after the initial endearment and the first few days of barking, he’d probably end up wanting to kill it. It’s actually kind of a bummer to dream about having a celebrity as your neighbor and then realizing how catastrophic it would eventually turn out.

I’d love for Jackie Chan to be my neighbor, but I’m not sure it’d work out well. Ideally, theoretically, hopefully -- I’d have a blast hanging out with Jackie Chan. But, even if all the stars aligned, would he have a blast hanging out with me?